i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
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