There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
