you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
