I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
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