she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
