remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Randomize
