I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
