I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
i wish my penis had a tongue
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
Randomize