i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
Randomize