the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
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