I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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