It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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