i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Randomize
