i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
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