I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
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