My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
