Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Randomize
