I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
