i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
so we had a 20 minute conversation and created the fb page WWND (what would Nana do?) last night after we took our Ambien...that is my definition of an overachiever
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Randomize
