I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
