I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
They have beer where we have blood.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
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