Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
