things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
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