Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
