Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
I want to walk on stilts...naked
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Randomize
