You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
Randomize
