I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
Randomize
