I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
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