I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
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