I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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