he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
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