I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Randomize
