but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
