Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
