I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
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