i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
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