Nicole vs. Life
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
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