so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
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