So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
