So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
Randomize
