it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Randomize
