My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Randomize
