I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
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