Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Just watched a UNI fan at the bar lick the tears off of a KU fans face.. See what march madness does to people
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Randomize
