they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Randomize
