this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
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