I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
Randomize
