just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
