Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
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