I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
