Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
I'm passing your future prison.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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