The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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