You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
