apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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