are you so shy because you have an std?
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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