I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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