ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
Randomize
