Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
Randomize