Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Randomize
