shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
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