my mouth tastes like poor choices
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
Randomize
