Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
